Written on: June 6th, 2023
Today, I shortly asked devlin to take an early lunch break: “11:00 please.” It had been 3 hours since he left for work, and all 3 hours were miserable. Not one good moment. One or both kids were crying all morning. Then I was, amongst other reactions. Today Devlin essentially asked if I felt like I could keep doing this. I took two seconds to grasp what he asked me and I started crying. I need to stay home with them. I should be able to stay home with them...
It’s been 3 or 4 weeks of intense chaos in my brain. For no particular reason half the time. I’m not one to be dramatic unless I’m blatantly trying to be funny and obnoxious, so keep that in mind with this read. These feelings, this mood I’m experiencing - it’s making me think of earlier postpartum with Emmi. It’s scary and shameful - my mood right now. I’m not a morning person but lately I’ve not felt like a person fit for any time of day. The kids have been harder recently. Lots of crying and screaming from them, and in turn me. I have less than zero patience. I’m a rain cloud or a firecracker - and not the cute spunky kind. Mood swings are out of control. I truly feel bat crap crazy. I am yelling. I am cussing. I’m screaming at my kids, my little babies. I feel like mommy dearest and I feel disgusting.
Postpartum rage isn’t talked about often. Usually people seem to talk about depression or anxiety. I’m not sure if postpartum rage is less common or just swept under the rug. I’m not sure how, yet I completely understand. In my worst moments, I have the urge to shake or smack my children. I think: I don’t want to be in this house anymore or that I want to kill myself. But I really don’t. Even as I think those things - and sometimes even yell out loud, I know I don’t truly feel that way. I’m just that spent, overwhelmed, exhausted, etc. Some people do think the same thoughts. Some people do want to act on them and some do. I’m lucky to not be at a point where that’s what I really want or that I’m planning anything.
I’ve felt like a terrible mom the last couple weeks. I have not wanted to be around my kids. No break could feel long enough. I’ve felt defeated. I’ve yelled and snapped at my kids in front of my husband and in front of a few family members and even a babysitter. I know I’m the best mom for my kids / I was hand picked by God for my babies, yada yada. I really do believe that, but I can be honest and reflective and confidently say I haven’t been the best mom lately. For the readers it will be easy to say: you’re doing your best / you’re their world / you’re a great mom..thank you. But - there’s still room for accountability, even if I won’t get that from Facebook acquaintances. There’s room to notice that things aren’t feeling right or good. Even if it’s just me being honest to myself. I give myself grace often but I will not sugarcoat my recent behavior, and I will not excuse how the kids have seen me the last several weeks, at the end of the day.
In my better moments immediately following my raging outbursts, I say sorry to the babies I just startled from screaming. The babies who can’t talk back to me and tell me why they’re struggling or acting out. The babies who have been so fussy and testy day and night. The babies learning how to be humans. Hopefully decent human beings. Hopefully my example for them changes soon. Right now this rut feels like it could only be changed by God’s work. Luckily whatever God is preparing in my heart (I’m waitin, Lord), will pair nicely with the support of my husband and family.
I don’t know what solution we’ll come up with. I can’t imagine going back to work but I also want to be the best I can be for my family. I want to feel mentally well and I want to want to be around my kids. That feels so yucky to type out. It’s hard to share this. If those last couple sentences don’t give a small glimpse of how confusing motherhood can be, I don’t know what else can. Being a stay at home mom is hard. Going to work and trusting someone else with your kids is hard. And ladies, I don’t know how some of ya stay home with babies and work remotely full time. God bless.
Like most things I’ll write, this is mostly for me - a sort of therapy. It’s equally for other mamas so they don’t feel alone. I’m forever grateful for my two friends who shared their experience with postpartum rage, and I think about them often when I’m feeling lonely in my darkness. I don’t even know why I took this picture of myself today. I think in my head, I felt weak - for my current state and at the idea of potentially not being a stay at home mom anymore. I think I took this picture because I want to remember: even when I feel at the end of my rope, either way, I’m gonna try to choose the best option for my family, and that’s not weakness. Even if it takes time.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Written on: August 23rd, 2023
Today I dropped off my babies for their first day with a nanny. The opportunity fell into our lap a bit. It was more hours that I expected them to be gone, but it will be really good. Three mornings a week. I was worried about being a financial burden. After all, I could just be staying home with them and not spending money. That’s what the devil wants to tell me. I’m blessed to have a husband who tells me it will work. That now, I can focus on photography even more. For 15 hours a week, I get to work a little, recharge a little, and take a breath. I’m so grateful to feel peace about this, about my sweet friend watching our babies. Before today, I have been feeling better. I've been praying more, specifically for a heart change and mindset change. I think it's been working. This one was really hard to write and share, even as I'm doing better today. I wrote the first portion of this and knew I would not be sharing it for a while.
People do actually harm their babies and worse. It’s on the news and you’ve seen it. I’ve wondered myself: how could anyone hurt their child, let alone kill them. I have never wanted to hurt my children, but I’ve been angry. I’ve wanted to shake them. Postpartum rage is not always easy to switch off. It tangles your emotions, your peace, and your intuition sometimes. I need to share this though, for other moms. Depression tells me I’m a bad mom as I think about sharing this. Anxiety tells me that this could be used against me in the future to claim I’m an unfit mother, as I think about sharing this. There is help. There is therapy. There are family and friends. There is prayer. I’m fortunate to have the support and resourses I have and this is still SO HARD. You really do lose yourself for a little bit. You won’t find the old you. You’ll find a new you, but you have to do some work and be patient. And if you’re a believer, you’ll need to look for and find Jesus in the middle of it. I know that’s what I needed to do, when I felt like nothing would help. Loads will lighten and increase in all stages of parenthood and you’ll get through it, even when it does’t feel like it. You can be a good mom and take care of yourself, and most importantly, lean on Jesus along the way.
Please know you’re not alone. Being a mother is the hardest best thing ever. You might not know me well, but I’m right here. There is some darkness described here, but I am also very aware of how much joy my children bring me and I do not take them for granted.
All the best,
Morgan
댓글